Ferengi
Rules of Acquisition
(just
for fun - nothing to do with diamonds)
BRYSON BURKE
Home
Mission
Board
History
Business Plan
Latest Information
Building Our Drill
Innovation
Photo Album
Satellite Weather
Free News - Sign Guestbook
INVESTING
Investment
Stock
Quotes
COMMUNICATION
Press Releases
Newsletter
Current Information
Contact
SITE GEOLOGY
Geology Reports
Site
Geologic History
Magnetic
Maps Index
Heavy
Minerals Index
Grenville Province Index
DIAMOND POLITICS
Blood Diamonds
Kimberley Process
DIAMOND GEOLOGY
Indicator
Minerals
Kimberlites
Decay
of Kimberlites
Kimberlites
& Magnetics
Placer Deposits
Magnetic Reversal
Crustal Thickness
How Diamonds are
Made
Glaciation Issues
Mineral Transport Index
Doing the Map Work
Gathering
Samples
World Mining Index
Excavation
and Recovery
Mining Corporations
Mining
News Magazines
Environmental
Issues
Diamonds in Space
World's
Only MineCam
Live Volcano
Geo-Cams
EXPLORATION
Site Exploration
History
Topography
Map Index
Location
Map
Claim Maps
Index
DIAMONDS
Diamonds and Graphite
Diamond Formation
Grading Diamonds
Price of Diamonds
Industrial
Diamonds
Drilling
Equipment
Medical Use of Diamonds
Gemstones
Birthstones
Hall of Fame
DIAMONDS
IN CULTURE
Good Books
on Diamonds
Cremains to Diamonds
Diamonds in Lawsuits
Irish Diamonds
Unusual
Diamond News
Diamonds in the
Media
Famous Jewelers
In Advertisements
Top
Twenty Cut Diamonds
Top
Diamonds
Diamond Lore
Theft/Hoaxes/and Fraud
Religion
Index
Diamond/ Culture Index
Television
Movies
Games
- Play Now
Music
Weddings
Royals
Our Darlings
Diamond
Animal Index
INTERACTIVE
Reflection/Refraction Index
Crossword
Puzzle Index
Which Is A Diamond
I
Which is a Diamond II
Become a Gemologist
The Ferengi barkeep looks at the Starfleet officer on the other side of the bar. "If I may say so, it's been my special pleasure to see many new officers like yourself come through here." He smiles showing a row of pointy teeth. "Your parents must be very proud my boy. You know, on an occasion like this-"
"I'm really not interested" Harry Kim interrupts, seeing the sales pitch coming a mile off.
"Interested?" Quark feigns ignorance.
"You were about to try and sell me something, right?"
"I was merely going to suggest that your parents might appreciate a memento of your first mission" Quark replies, smile still fixed in place.
Harry puts his cup down. "And you happen to have several to choose from?"
"I do carry a select line of unique artifacts and gemstones indiginous to this region" Quark says proudly, opening a box and offering it for view. "Why quite recently, I acquired these lobi crystals from a very strange creature, called a morn."
"We were warned about the Ferengi at the Acadamy" the young Ensign explains politely.
"Warned about Ferengi were you?" Quark asks, the smile suddenly dropping off his face.
Tom Paris can't help but overhear the exchange as he sits nearby, a tankard of synthehol in his hand. Uh-oh! Here it comes.
Harry nods. "About your mercenary capitalism" he adds helpfully. By this point, Tom is covering his mouth with his hand to avoid laughing.
"Slurs!" Quark bellows. "Slurs against my race at Starfleet Acadamy. Who made these accusations, hmm?" he demands.
A sudden look of panic fills Harry's features. "Er... what I meant to say was-" he tries to say, but Quark is in full swing.
"Here I am trying to be a cordial host, knowing how much a young officer's parents would appreciate a token of his love on the eve of a dangerous mission, and what do I get for my trouble? Scurrilous insults!" Quark sighs and shakes his head. "Well, someone is going to hear about this!" He pulls out a PADD from under the bar. "What's your name, son?"
"My... name?" Harry asks worriedly.
"You do have one I presume?" Quark replies with a sneer.
"Kim... Harry Kim" the Ensign confesses. "But-"
"And who was it at the Academy who warned you about the Ferengi?" Quark asks in a steely hard voice.
"You know... I think a memento for my parents would be a great idea." Harry backpeddles furiously as fast as he can speak, hoping to placate the angry barkeep. "These would make a great pendant for my mother."
"Or cufflinks for your father" Quark adds, without pausing for breath.
"Cufflinks... great idea!"
"They're not for sale. And you can inform your commanding officer that the Federation Council should expect an official query regarding-"
"How much for the whole box?" Harry asks desperately.
Quark appears to consider this, then presses a button on the PADD and turns it round to face Harry. "Cash or credit?" he asks, now interested.
Tom shakes his head. He can't watch this lamb being led to the slaughter any further. Besides, the guy's a shipmate, even if only for one mission. He wanders over to the two. "Dazzling aren't they" he says in mock wonder, looking inside the box. He picks one of the gemstones up and fingers it reverently. "As bright as Koladan diamonds" he adds.
"Brighter!" Quark snarls, snatching the gem back.
"Hard to believe you can find them on any planet in the system" Tom goes on.
"That's an exaggeration" Quark retorts, but Tom isn't finished.
"You know, there's a shop at the Volnar colony that'll sell you a dozen assorted shapes and sizes for a single Cardassian lek. How much are these going for?" he asks sweetly.
"We were just about to negotiate the price" Quark replies in a tone which suggests Tom's presence is not desirable at that moment. Harry looks at the sparkling display, glances at Tom, then back at Quark. Closing the box, he shoves it across the bar, back to Quark. Getting up from his seat, he turns to leave without another word.
Harry stops outside the bar and stands by the bulkheads, an ambivalance of fury and gratitude dominating his emotions. He can't believe he's found yet another chink in his carefully crafted Starfleet Academy armour. Gullibility... the worst kind. If it hadn't of been for his slick, fair haired rescuer, he would've been strapped for all he had by that "I've-been-insulted-so-fork-over-some-latinum" scam. Harry paces outside the door, waiting for Tom to appear. He feels that he should at least thank the man for his timely intervention. Man, that guy. I'll never be as cool and anchored like a rock as he is. I'll bet he's served on a starship for months!
Back in the bar, Tom flips the Ferengi payment for his drink and saunters out, only to find the Ensign waiting for him. "Thanks" Harry tells him, flushing red with embarrassment.
Tom grins. "Didn't
they warn you about Ferengi at the Acadamy?" he asks lightly. Harry chuckles
and the two make their way to the Voyager to report in. The two chit-chat on the
way, Harry determined to start making new ties on this ship as soon as possible.
Briefly he thinks of the light years that are going to separate him from his girlfriend
Libby, but quickly moves the thought from his head. He has a new posting and new
friends to look forward to. It would do no good to brood.
Since they are not safe outside the cave, the band continues to search through the caverns, walking along the edge of a narrow river of golden liquid. They notice that the walls are lined with rare gems - the large inner cavern is covered with huge slabs of rubies, diamonds and emeralds. Wadsworth's eyes bulge at the wealth all around them, and he goes so far as to advocate that they kill the animals and claim the planet's riches for the Federation. Kirk and Sulu calm him down, and Kirk admonishes Wadsworth for his lack of respect for the Federation's charter - respect for the rights of intelligent life-forms.
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Mammoth prisms and spindly spires stretched across the pale blue sky, catching the sun in a ripple of rainbow shimmers. Stairlike forms seemed to stretch forever, crossing and weaving in an endless dance of structure and light. From a distance, the crystalline fingers and branches looked fragile, like coral growing in a fish tank. But at close range, the giant prisms were as solid as marble columns, and as smooth and dazzling as diamonds.
Dwarfed by the towering crystals were five young humanoids; they soared among the spires like birds flying through a forest. Sails billowed from their arms and legs to catch the convection currents, but the fliers mostly depended upon graceful acrobatics to propel themselves. Tandra, the team leader of the five youths, glided to a thick green monolith, tagged up like a swimmer making a lap turn, then bounded off in an altered direction.
Two
young Elaysians followed her lead, bouncing off the same crystal and racing after
her. The other two members of the science team took different angles at the big
monolith and soared off in parallel trajectories. One of the boys rolled into
a midair somersault, just having fun. This close to the core of the planet, crystals
grew in profusion, so there were plenty of smooth surfaces for pushing off.
Kirk blinked. He was on
a hot desert plain,
facing the Gorn. Its bright eyes glinted brightly
in
the morning sun, like two huge balls of
crumpled aluminum foil. Above them
both loomed
the infamous jagged hills used in at least half a
dozen "Star
Trek" episodes.
"Oh look, that's where I beat Finnegan in the
'Shore
Leave' episode," said Kirk, crouching to
the ground. "And that's
where Spock and I caused
an earthquake with our communicators in episode
23."
But suddenly a voice got his attention.
"We are the Metrones,"
he heard, from no
where in particular. "We are a peace loving race
who
abhors violence in all its forms." And then,
in an equally judicious
voice. "But we will make
an exception for bruising bipedal hand to hand
combat on a small asteroid."
The Metrons paused again, then continued.
"We have provided the means by which each of you
can destroy the
other. The Gorn, for example, can
pick up a rock and crush Captain Kirk."
"And me? How do I stop the Gorn?" said Kirk
desperately.
"Well," said the Metrons, "You can get some
sulphur, and some
carbon, and some diamonds, and a
long shoot of bamboo, and create a gun, ignite
it,
and shoot the Gorn."
"That's hardly fair," Kirk pointed
out.
"We don't want to make it too easy for you,
Captain Kirk. We
have seen how easily you beat up
aliens in other episodes. Good luck, and
please
try to survive to half time."
"Wait!" said Kirk,
as the Gorn approached,
drooling and hissing.
Later that day...
Kirk fired the gun. He had just happened to
find the sulphur, the diamonds,
the bamboo, and
the other materials. But he couldn't find the
carbon.
So he had hastily contructed a water mill
near a stream and he had harnessed
the power of
the contraption to ignite the gun. The Gorn fell
to the ground,
stunned but not fatally perforated.
Kirk climbed atop the Gorn, clutching
a
homemade sword he had manage to fashion using an
amateur smitty he had
constructed earlier. He
raised the sword... and then lowered it.
"No,
I won't kill you," said Kirk. "Maybe
you thought we were the invaders.
Maybe, when you
slaughtered our base on Zeta Beta Omicron Delta
IV, you
thought you were acting in your own self
defense. Perhaps, when you lured
my ship there
and tricked us into beaming down and tried to
destroy us
as well, you thought you were only
exercising legitimate defensive actions."
"I won't kill him, do y'hear?" said Kirk,
lifting his chin.
This was unfortunate for him,
for as he turned his attention away from the
Gorn,
the huge reptilian creature lept up and sprang
against the hapless
Kirk. Things might have gone
ill for the valiant starship Captain had not
the
Gorn frozen, and disappeared.
A Metrone appeared. Like most advanced
aliens on Star Trek, he wore a no-frills robe.
"Mercy, Captain. A
most advanced trait."
"We in the Federation do not like to fight."
said Kirk. "We, like you, prefer conflict as a
spectator sport."
"Very good," nodded the Metron sagely.
"Perhaps, in 10,000
of your Earth years...."
"Yes, yes,?" said Kirk
eagerly.
"No... just a stray thought. Never mind,"
said the
Metrone, thinking again.
Koladan diamonds - Paris compared Quark's Lobi crystals to these gems. (Caretaker)
Lobi crystals - Quark said he obtained these from a strange creature called the Morn; Paris compares them to Koladan diamonds and says there is a shop at the Volnar Colony that sells a dozen assorted shapes for one Cardassian Lek. (Caretaker)
1) Once you have their money, never
give it back.*
2) You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to
try.
3) Never buy anything for more than is absolutely necessary.*
4)
Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough.
5) If you can't
break a contract, bend it.
6) Never let family stand in the way of opportunity.*
7) Always keep your ears open.*
8) Keep count of your change.
9) Instinct
plus opportunity equals profit.*
10) A dead customer can't buy as much as
a live one.
11) Latinum isn't the only thing that shines.
12) Anything
worth selling is worth selling twice.
13) Anything worth doing is worth doing
for money.
14) Anything stolen is pure profit.
15) Acting stupid is often
smart.
16) A deal is a deal.*
17) A bargain usually isn't.
18) Beware
of relatives bearing gifts.
19) Don't lie too soon after a promotion.
20) When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.
21) Never place friendship
before profit.*
22) Wise men can hear profit in the wind.*
23) Never take
the last coin, but be sure to get all the rest.
24) Never ask when you can
take.
25) Fear makes a good business partner.
26) The vast majority of
the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their
wealth; they stole it.
27) The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after
you
cut it down.
28) Morality is always defined by those in power.
29)
When someone says "It's not the money," they're lying.
30) Talk
is cheap; synthehol costs money.
31) Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother.*
32) Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer
expects.
33) It never hurts to suck up to the boss.*
34) Compassion is no substitute
for profit.
35) You could afford your ship without your government--if
it weren't
for your government.
36) Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore.
37) You can always
buy back a lost reputation.
38) Free advertising is cheap.
39) Praise
is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers.
40) If you see profit on a
journey, take it.
41) Money talks, but having lots of it gets more attention.
42) Only negotiate when you are certain to profit.
43) Caressing an ear is
often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
44) Never argue with a loaded
phaser.
45) Profit has limits. Loss has none.
46) Labor camps are full
of people who trusted the wrong person.
47) Never trust a man wearing a better
suit than your own.*
48) The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.*
49) Old age and gree will always overcome youth and talent.
50) Never bluff
a Klingon.
51) Never admit a mistake if they're someone else to blame.
52) Only Bugsy could have built Las Vegas.
53) Sell first; ask questions later.
54) Never buy anything you can't sell.
55) Always sell at the highest possible
profit.
56) Pursue profit; women come later.
57) Good customers are a
rare as latinum--treasure them.
58) Friendship is seldom cheap.
59) Free
advice is seldom cheap.*
60) Never use credit where your words will do.
61) Never buy what can be stolen.
62) The riskier the road, the higher the
profit.*
63) Power without profit is like a ship without an engine.
64)
Don't talk shop; talk shopping.
65) Don't talk ship; talk shipping.
66)
Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask
for it.
67) Anyone asking to be relieved is not crazy and must be forced to
serve.
70) Get the money first,
then let the buyers worry about collecting the
merchandise.
76)
Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of
your enemies.*
101)
Never do something you can make someone do for you.
102) Nature decays, but
latinum lasts forever.*
103) Sleep can interfere with opportunity.*
104)
Money is never made. It is merely won or lost.
109) Dignity and an empty sack
is worth the sack.*
111) Never sleep with the boss' wife unless you pay him
first.
112) Never sleep with the boss' sister.
119) Buy, sell, or get out
of the way.
123) A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then
he is
a customer.
138)
Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder.
139) Wives
serve; brothers inherit.*
148) Opportunity waits for no one.
164) Never
spend your own money when you can spend someone else's.
172) If you can sell
it, don't hesitate to steal it.
180) Never offer a confession when a bribe
will do.
188) Never bet on a race you haven't fixed.
189) Borrow on a handshake;
lend in writing.
194) It's always good business to know about new customers
before they
walk in your door.
202)
A friend in need is a customer in the making.
208) Give someone a fish, you
feed him for one day.
Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer.
214)
Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach.*
215) Instinct without
opportunity is useless.
221) Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes.
222)
Knowledge is power.
281) Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell.
282)
Business is like war; it's important to recognize the winner.
283) Rules are
always subject to change.
284) Rules are always subject to interpretation.
285)
No good deed ever goes unpunished.*
